Big Momma Hermione
by Alexei Noire
Summary: Hermione Granger discovered that she had a great liking for Jaffa Cakes and grew and grew until she became the great bellowing beast that she is here. Chock full of pure nonsense and ... fun. READ IT!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** JK Rowlin owns HP not me, as well as Bloomsbury Books and Warner Bros .. or something. Or any other name-dropping here..

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**Big Momma Hermione**

A young plump child with flaming red hair waddled over to the kitchen sink and washed her chubby fingers in it. As the ketchup slid off her pudgy fingers she realised something in the pit of her stomach.

"MOMMA!" she bellowed "I'M HUNGRY!"

Across the house in the living room in a very large sofa lay a huge figure or blob rather which looked very much like a mass of clothes were it not for the bushy brown hair sticking out of the nightgown and her limbs. The woman spread all the way across the 3-seater sofa, her face was very chubby with several chins wobbling beneath her original one. In her hand was a packet of Jaffa cakes.

"GET IT YOSELF CHILD!" the woman bellowed, "I AIN'T NO SERVANT OF YOURS!"

The child waddled back over to the living room where her mother sat. Coming closer to the very obese woman she raised her hands above her head and sprayed her mother with her still-wet hands.

The large woman screamed and roared out loudly making a flock of birds fly out of the apple tree in the garden.

With an earthshaking sound she stamped her huge foot. The child fell flat on her face and farted.

All of a sudden the room was full of more children, some with flaming red hair like the podgy flatulent thing on the living room floor but others with dense brown hair. Only one of them had jet black hair and a lightning scar across her foot.

"HARRY POTTER JUNIOR!" the big momma screamed at the raven haired youth, "COME GIVE AUNT HERMIONE A BIG KISS! NICE AND WET WITH A POOL OF SALIVA!"

A Jaffa cake slipped from its shelf of her stomach and fell onto the floor. The child on the floor picked it up and gobbled it greedily.

"Where's dad?" asked the girl who was at least 14.

"HE'S DEAD YOU THICK SHIT!" Hermione screamed, ramming a fistful of Jaffa cakes into her cavernous chops.

"O" said the girl "Oh yeah I forgotted I did!"

And with that she turned on her heel and flew out of the house just as a tall man with thinning pink hair strolled in.

"Hello there Hermione-kins!" he said jovially, then looking down he added "and hello kids!"

The children ignored him and ran off upstairs.

"HI THERE RON!" she bellowed "I SEE YOU KEPT YO PINK HAIR! WHYYYYY?"

"Well," he said, pecking her crumb-ridden cheek, "people discriminate against me because of my hair so I decided to keep it pink."

The fat woman merely stared.

"WON'T THEY THINK YO A GAY?"

The man chuckled.

"No you stupid fat strumpet of course not!" and he spanked her leg, whilst helping himself to a Jaffa cake.

"Why do you eat so many of these?" he asked looking distastefully at the round cake before gobbling it himself.

The woman tilted her head back as if to spray water out of her mouth.

"I LIIKE IT!" she roared, making the house shake once more with a stamp of her huge foot.

Suddenly out of nowhere, Harry Potter and Ginny Potter snigger appeared.

Hermione narrowed her piggy eyes and broke wind.

"YOU CAN'T APPARATE OR DISAPPARATE INSIDE THE HOGWARTS GROUNDS!"

The two intruders looked at each other and muttered a ditzy "Oops!" before disappearing… only to re-appear.

"No you dumb ho," said Ginny, "We ain't in no Hog-warts, y'know what I'm sayin?"

"LOL" said Ron with his thinning pink hair and fat wife and seventeen kids.

"Like how totally original," Harry said bitchily sitting down on a chair near Ron.

"ROFL" Ron said in response.

Ginny picked up a broom from behind the kitchen door and made her way over to Hermione. With a quick jerking motion she poked the broom handle into her mighty paunch.

Hermione tilted her head back once more and roared "FUCK OFF!"

The other three in the room fell about laughing at her before giving each other high-fives. Well all except Harry.

"Like how totally last centureeee is high fives?" he said bitchily.

"Harry," Ginny said calmly, "You're not an American cheerleader despite what the fangirls think."

"Like what-EVER" he replied.

"WHAT A POOF!" roared Hermione, rubbing her tummy.

Ginny's mouth fell open and she held her hand in front of her face.

"You ain't got no gut girl!" and she roved her head side to side rapidly, "Talk to the hand and NOT to da face cos da face ain't listenin' hun!"

"ROFLMAO" roared Ron.

The other three just looked at him oddly.

"What?" he said, chuckling, "I go on MSN messenger a bit too much, so what?"

**The end.

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**A/N:** Just a bit of harmless fun, eh chaps?


	2. At Work

Disclaimer: I didn't write Harry Potter series or anything affiliated with it.

Chapter 2 : At work 

A very large figure from the corner of a cluttered workshop stirred out of sleep with a rather unflattering belch.

The beast had awoken.

The blast of sound had aroused the attention of a rickety old man who clambered over from the bathroom, having forgotten to flush it - or indeed wash his hands. The combination of the bathroom stench and the decay emanating from the large figure in the corner resulted in the shop having a rather fragrant disposition.

"Ey!" the oldy roared at the large thing with a surprisingly loud voice for a grampa, "Gerrup ya pile o' lard!"

The figure turned its flabby head toward the old man slowly and fished a sweet wrapper out of its matted brown hair.

"DON'T YOU TALK TO ME LIKE THAT!" she roared.

The old man was slightly bowled over by the enormity of this brute's presence but he was after all her employer so he attempted to set some authority.

"I'm yer boss!" he whined, "'Ave some respect, you tub!"

In answer Mrs Hermione Weasley simply let out a rather offensive smelling bout of gas from her backside, which didn't help with the shop's current stink.

"Well I never!" the old man gasped, "And what exactly have you been doing all day Mrs Weasley?"

The fat woman in the seat that was about to cave under her vast weight pressed her eyes so close together she was squinting at him.

"I'VE JUST BEEN SAT ON ME FAT ARSE ALL DAY!" she bellowed, with a pressure that finally broke the seat.

The resounding crash was phenomenal – the entire shop's walls shook, the old man fell on his bottom and people outside stopped in their tracks as they too shuddered slightly.

"Oh my!" the old man exclaimed "How in Lord Abaddon's name did you get so fat?"

This was a question that was not worth asking, nay not even worth thinking of – nonetheless the man was apparently looking for an early grave. Not too early, in his case.

Hermione lay down on her back and proceeded to roll herself over in the direction of the old man. It was fantastic! People from outside the shop could see what looked like a gigantic bowling ball steadily accelerating in the direction of the spindly man.

The old man had no hope.

SPLAT!

The fat Hermione laughed raucously, which changed quickly to a cough of exertion.

"H-how did you get so FAT?" the old man repeated.

This time however Mrs Weasley began a theatrical display by firstly closing in her limbs close to her body in an attempt to make a foetal position although it was so difficult with all that fat – and then spread out like an angel.

"I EAT MEAT!" she roared in a fake East European accent.

And that was that.

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	3. Child Welfare Officers

**Chapter 3: Child Welfare Officers**

In a very small village on the outskirts of Glasgow there was a small shabby cottage. From the cottage came an intense reek that circulated through the street and forced residents to evacuate and move house immediately – usually they did not even bother to wait for anyone to buy the house… they just left.

At the end of this street were stood two official looking people, a man and a woman. They were both dressed smartly and wrinkled their noses at the pong ensuing from the cottage to which they were headed.

The two officials walked down the footpath to the cottage and banged unceremoniously upon the door with its peeling paintwork.

There was no reply.

The woman banged harder on the door and yelled "OI! GET UP YOU CRIMINAL, WE KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE!"

An immense sound of movement came forth from the house and the door swung open swiftly revealing a vast figure of what was probably supposed to be a woman but her fatness made determining her gender nearly impossible.

"WHAT?" she bellowed, munching on a large pork pie in her free hand and showing great chunks of it rolling around her mouth mixed with saliva, with some of it dropping onto the floor.

The woman outside was positively startled but regained her composure and pushed past the fat cow.

"Mrs Weasley," she began, "I am from the Department of er…. Child Welfare of Great Britain and I have been called here on a matter of greatest urgency. I have here with me Officer Osterreich from the…. police innit?"

The man nodded briefly, also pushing past the stunned chubby thing.

"I'm here to make sure you don't resist…physically" he said eyeing Hermione approvingly.

Hermione drew herself up and breathed in ready to strike.

"GO AWAY!" she roared in a fake Russian accent, "I DO NOT LIKE YOU!"

The woman smirked, totally unaffected by this scary beast's outburst.

"Mrs Weasley, please don't think you can use Soviet threats upon me. I've handled Elton John…..I can handle _anything_."

Hermione exhaled and deflated considerably. She dropped the pork pie and slumped into a chair with a huge groove embedded in it.

"Right then," the woman went on, "Where are the kids? You fat shit."

The tubby thing looked left and right rapidly, faster and faster until the two officials looked quite worried that her fat head would come off her fat body. Then quite suddenly, she stamped on a pile of clothes on the floor and it gave out a squeal.

Up rose a child in her teenage years with jet black hair and a lightning scar on her foot.

"Ello," she said, "I'm Harry Potter's son……I mean … female version of a son."

"Oh," the woman said eyeing the child, "Well then get lost, we're not interested in you." And without so much as a warning she shoved the child into the wall. "Where are _your_ kids, Mrs Weasley?"

Hermione began swinging her head again and this time she let out a fart and from her great chair extracted a wriggling child and thrust it at the woman.

The child was smelly, dirty and looked pretty badly abused.

The woman suddenly burst into tears and hugged the child.

The police officer advanced towards Hermione and slapped her round the face.

As soon as his hand left her face, Hermione jumped up with surprising agility and charged into the policeman and rammed him against the wall. She began kicking him repeatedly and finally sat on him and parped loudly.

The woman had the child in a deep embrace and muttered through a choked voice, "Doesn't it just break your heart?"

The policeman raised his head dazedly, "Well… it certainly broke _something_."

"Wait a minute" the woman declared, "We were informed you had far more children than this little runt!"

Hermione laughed and got up, smacking the woman on the butt.

"I SOLD 'UM FOR FOODSTUFFS FOR MA BELLY, HYUK HYUK!"

The woman raised her eyebrow and eyed the fallen pork pie, "On a diet are we?"

"Mrs Weasley," the police officer with the weird German-sounding name said as he got up off the dirty floor, "Why are you so round?"

Again Hermione ran into him but this time picked him up and swung his whole body round and round the room, then threw it into the woman and her child.

"I HAVE A LOTTA FAT IN MY TUMMY!"

The two officials ran towards the chubby strumpet and held her against the wall, Officer Osterreich put her hands in some extra-large fatcuffs.

"Hermione Dingle and the Goblet of Fire Weasley," he said, "you are under arrest for being fat….oh and selling your kids. You do not have to say anything and…rely on in court? I dunno the rest. Yer banged up anywho."

"A-and on suspicion of murder!" the woman added, "That sounds juicy heehee! What have you got to say for yourself, Silly Cellulite?"

Hermione squinted until her eyes were dangerous slits looked at the slim woman hungrily.

"YEE HAW!" she cried, and was swiftly escorted into the police wagon.

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**A/N:)**


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